Hello there, I'm just returning this--
Yes, I bought this heart
around the time of my conception,
when it was shining and new,
gooey like glue,
and then it burst with thoughts of you.
and for awhile I thought it might still work,
until you became such a jerk.
It fizzled like some cheap contraption,
and ate my mind with the given time--
I convulsed there in my electric chair,
ensnared by the thoughts it gave:
dreams of you,
in that gooey glue, love sick way
that lets it stay, to keep it around
for another day or two,
But then the fizzle became a drizzle
of tears and new fears.
and soon I decided . . .
I'd like to return this heart--
It's broken.
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Author's Comments
1. Do you usually punctuate your poetry? Why/why not?
I try to when I feel it's needed, but honestly I'm just horrible with grammar. 2. Are there lines in this poem where you were considering other punctuation (or no punctuation)? If so, what were you considering and why? I felt that after the third line there should be something there, and I like putting a comma there because at first it was, but I think this fits better. 3. If this a new draft of an old poem, do you feel better about your choices this time, or do you feel as if you were forcing the punctuation use? I feel a bit better about it, even though this wasn't a very old poem, to go back and look over it from a different perspective. 4. Overall, what is the effect you would like this poem to have on the reader? In other words, what are you going for, here? It's a sad, bridging anger, reflection of someone's relationship. I was going for something that relates to that age-old feeling of heart break. |
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Comments
--
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind - Dr. Seuss
It is a bit prosaic, like a soliloquy, but the assonance and rhyme keeps a great rhythm.
There are quite a few conjunctions I would recommend cutting - especially those at the start of lines. Also, uncapitalizing every line - not a new sentence - would help the grammar.
There should probably be a colon or dash in the 2nd to last line to adhere to the grammar in the poem. You can see the last line coming with the way the language turns, but it is pulled off well.
I liked the changing term of "gooey glue." It is a bit visceral and transforms from a simple comparison into a sexual allusion.
Something I noticed when I was counting lines: if you decided to put it into quatrains, your last line would stand alone as a closing singlet. It all depends on how much emphasis you want to add to the line. Long, single stanza poems aren't that visually enticing to me, but that is just a personal issue.
It's a nice poem. Good luck with revisions.
--
~D
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